The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
You did what with his pubic hair?
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