I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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