dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
