so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
