**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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