I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
