I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
