come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
He better not be in your backpack
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
