I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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