K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
