im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
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