Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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