dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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