i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Your penis caused this!
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
