Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
