i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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