This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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