You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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