tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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