You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
