You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
