Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
