I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
