Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Non-Jews are for practice
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Randomize
