shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
