He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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