This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I just googled if crying burns calories
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
