i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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