No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
