And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
