I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
