omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
