I feel great
I just peed on a car
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
