Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
dude i'm inner monologue high
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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