Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
