I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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