Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Randomize
