last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
