DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
