and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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