she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
