If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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