I skipped work to stalk him.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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