all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
