My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I am never drinking with the goths again.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
