be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
