I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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