there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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