I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
