im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
