Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
